Inspirational Blog Posts

It had been a busy New Year's Day.  Now it was evening time, and the house was finally quiet.  I sat down to meditate on self-forgiveness and any blocks to allowing myself to receive forgiveness.  A good topic, I thought, to start off the New Year.

At first, all I could see was what I wanted to forgive.  All the pain and the blame and the hate.  The self-hate was almost enough to get me to shrug my shoulders and forget the whole thing, but I persevered!

What I needed was a new perspective.  I took a deep breath and asked my healing guide where to start.  The answer came back, "Well, how about all the old agreements you have holding things in place?" Good idea!

As I brought old agreements into the present, I discovered a bright gold spiritual being whose only job was to hold the hate in place, and all that went with it.  I had first asked this being for help when I was young, telling this "friend" to keep me safe by not letting me lose any of my protective hate. Being a neutral entity, the spiritual being had agreed.

Looking at that situation from the present, I realized that this being was an old friend.  I thanked him (the being had a male valence) for his help and released him by saying good-bye.  As the being left, I felt great waves of love and compassion coming from him.  Just before he was gone, the being turned to me and said "You are a beautiful soul.  The darkness is within you.  It is not you."  Of course, I promptly started to cry.  Validation from a healing, protective, neutral being that I do, indeed have hate, but that is NOT who I am.

Once I had calmed down a bit, run my energy, and released energy which I no longer wanted by creating and destroying a rose symbol, I asked Mary, the Mother of Jesus, what was blocking my self-forgiveness.  I could almost hear her laughter as she said, "Self-forgiveness is not a sin or a self-indulgence. It is a vital part of the healing process."

There it was, absolution for the sin of self-forgiveness!  The relief was wonderful.  This meant that I didn't have to hate myself in order to be "good."  Convoluted, but some beliefs make less sense than others.  I continued to cry, create and destroy a rose symbol, and work on self-forgiveness.

When I felt ready, I turned to Jesus.  I was shocked at the belligerent feelings that came up with just the thought of talking to him.  The old "fight or flight" stuff kicked in, and I was ready to duke it out!

Fear of judgement was my entire reality.  I could barely hear what Jesus said to me.  "This is not a race or a fight.  It is not judgement.  It is simply where you are."  I suddenly relaxed.  Oh yeah, I thought, that's right – NEUTRALITY.  I was projecting my self-judgement onto Jesus and then cowering in fear.  I'd forgotten to use the gift of neutrality.  I'd also forgotten that self-hate and self-judgement go together like self-forgiveness and neutrality do.  The neutrality that Jesus offered me reminded of those lessons.  And yes, I cried some more.

At last, I asked the Supreme Being for any additional comments.  The response was simple and direct, "I love you.  Yes, hate and all."

Suddenly things clicked.  The hate, the "darkness", is what I am dealing with, what I am working to clear.  It is NOT who I am.  For a long time, I had that confused.  I felt that I had to hide my hate, the only one I really hid it from was me.

Now, I plan to keep the hate open to the air.  Exposed, so that I can see, forgive, and release it.  I am beginning to understand that I love me, too.