Choice or Habit
“I stood
My gun in hand
The swallow flew
To meet his love
And when they touched, I shot him down
But now it’s me that can’t fly”
-Anthony Phillips
How many times have I done that? How many times have I seen something (or someone) so lovely that I just had to shoot them down? How often have I been stuck in pain, grief, misery, hate, apathy or heck, I’m creative, all of the above at once and seen someone who was glowing with life and felt the undeniable need to burst their bubble, pop their balloon destroy their joy? Or, just as hard to see, how often have I allowed someone else to destroy MY joy?
For me, it is easy to say, “OK, I’ll be good. I will do my best not to go around being nasty to people who are having a good time when I am not.” It is even possible (sometimes) for me to act on that intention and keep my yucky growth periods in my own space. I’ve even managed to start forgiving myself for the times that I’ve had a “lapse” and gone out hunting for joyful people – or even simply people who had “made me mad”.
What is harder for me to forgive myself for is letting myself get shot down. For allowing people to “make me” angry, hateful, hurt, sad, depressed, deflated or in extreme cases, guilty for being happy. True, being on top of a bubble that suddenly bursts is not a pleasant experience; but last time I checked, my response, the emotion, was all mine. There was not some evil monster hovering over me and force-feeding me anger and hate.
There are the times when I’m so full of joy that even a deliberate balloon popper can’t foul me up. Times when all that negative garbage just flows right past. Because I’ve done it, I know that it is possible to respond with joy and love to hate and attempt space invasion (amused tolerance works wonders). I also know how frustrating it is trying to burst a bubble and have the pin keep slipping off to one side – doing no damage at all.
In the long run, and sometimes even in the short run, tearing someone down to my level when I’m out of sorts only makes me feel worse. Here I have destroyed something beautiful and instead of placing something equally lovely in its place, I left only ugliness. Besides, when I see what I’ve done, I usually start to feel guilty, and the garbage simply lasts longer.
Intellectually, I realize that my responses are a matter of choice. But if it is simply a matter of choosing to be one way and not another, why don’t I always do the “right and good” thing? Because I’m human. Because I am not perfect and because, sometimes, misery does love company. This is where forgiveness starts. It is also where choice can really start, and habit can stop. As I work on this idea of not shooting others down/not allowing myself to be shot down, I have begun to see just how many of my responses were only habits. The more habits I identify with, the less often I respond without thought – thus making room for joy. The more joy I allow in my own space; the more tolerance I have for seeing that joy in others.
